Apart from being the sperm who got into my mother's fallopian tube, I never won in any sort of major contest I joined on my own. I never even get in some of the auditions I've done in the past for stuff I choose to remember but would just always forget. Fast-forward to 2012, I'm faced with another apocalypse again, being forced to represent my course for an extravagant competition. This is is such an awkwardly huge step for me. I always thought that being in a pageant entails bitch-fits. Partly true but mostly, my contenders are too absorbed playing their own cards that I actually get intimidated even if I should not be.

I initially decided to finally say yes not with the purpose of winning, but solely for the purpose of representing. But then seeing my little sisters, brothers, and some colleagues rooting for me and expecting so much from me is such a huge blow. Thanks to them, I am fcking pressured to actually win this thing, even if it's not on my plan AT ALL. Seeing my contenders to actually have 99% advantage over me makes everything even worse.

So what do I do? I am a pessimistic freak. I can never change that. I never had confidence in myself, especially now when everyone subconsciously calls me a swine. Yes, I do have talent and I am not some phony person to contradict that. Because I do. And I believe I have more than one. But showing my talent won't magically give me a head-start. 

Crisis, we meet again. In awkwardly different phase of my awkward, invisible life.

Now if you can just tell me, amidst these chaos and (expected but don't want to happen) humiliation, can we keep it between you and me? Two is not far from one. One is not far from none. So what would matter anyway? Sometimes, I pretend to not give any care. Eventually, the pretension will just go away on its own anyway. Hopefully after this madness, you (Pudge), will still make me feel like Alaska Young. At least, that's what I think. I have another alter ego, minus the smoking part. Gross.

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