I can't believe I am actually going to have a synthesizer. My dad really backs me up big time in my knack for music. No wonder, he is such a music freak himself. Only he and I understood music the same way apart from how the "other members" of the family does. We both create and not just listen. Render, not just download.

When I was a kid, I never lusted over the new limited edition Barbie, the pizza set play-doh, or even asked for a bike. I have always wanted to own a workstations of some sort. I wanted Motifs, Fantoms, Korg, what have you. I wanted these more than a piano which I never really had until I was 11 years old, because I wanted to make music more than just playing the instrument. So here I am, after 10 years or so, could finally be a meter close in achieving peace of mind and be in my inebriated hibernation.

Up until now, I still fuss and sulk up about why I am still studying something that I don't really want to pursue. I am a such a hypocrite for wasting tuition and wasting the time of my college professors who teach me something that I never plan on learning, one reason why I never excel. Because I am not in my comfortable learning zone when my mind's being fed with other stuff aside from music. I only made myself pursue food science for the reason that I like coffee. Too flimsy and odd, but it's the only excuse I have for still studying, and of course, I have to have a stable job. In this country wherein you get paid less than your daily allowance for doing sidelines, you have to work full time. That and I don't want to just take vows to a husband to have someone to feed me food and materialistic irrationalities.

Something I teach myself now and then is that I don't create music to become famous. It would be much of a thrill to be a superstar but I'm a hundred percent sure that I'd be the one who'll end up crying after half a century of even earlier. And so I thought. If I'm famous, could I have my fellow colleagues at Starbucks have a decent work atmosphere with me, or would they just keep on taking pictures and ask silly stuff? But again, hypocritically speaking, I want to be a part time superstar, or super-producer for the time being.

No one has ever heard me sing, play the piano, a bit of guitar, and make digital music but myself. I am too afraid of getting criticized and getting rejected. It takes millions of my single heart to take in such opinions.

Maybe if I do get to make mind-blowing pieces, I would just put into consideration taking up another 4 years worth of studying and taking exams. But right now, I'm sticking to my organic chemistry woes.

Now that I'm about to actually have my hand on a Roland synth, I am both excited and disappointed. The synth will be in exchange of my upright piano who used to make quality sound until it drowned in Ondoy water. Part of me wants to let go of it because realistically, it doesn't produce the same correct tone anymore even after having it tuned and reconstructed post-drowning. However, letting go of my humble upright is somewhat significant to letting go of my childhood happiness (and even until now). It used to be my full-time friend. Staring at it for the last few seconds make me want to sleep on it, literally. Or maybe I'd just sleep in the living room so I could wake up the next morning seeing it rather than waking up, running downstairs to find out that my upright is gone.

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